Have you ever found yourself judging your therapy clients?
I know there are times when therapists do judge their clients. You know how I know this? Because therapists are human!
(I also know from personal experience)
I was doing some digging on the internet to research for this article. It seems as though there is very little information on the topic of judging your therapy clients.
On the flip side, there’s no shortage of articles and forum posts about what to do if you feel judged by your therapist.
It appears as though many clients feel as though their therapists are judging them. But there is very little information on what to do as a therapist if you are judging your therapy clients. What gives?
I’d like to normalize the experience of judging our clients so that we can adequately and properly address it when it comes up, rather than pretending it doesn’t exist.
Let’s Define Our Terms
Okay, so first let’s define the word “judgmental”.
The Merriam Webster dictionary defines it as: “characterized by a tendency to judge harshly”.
Of course, the “PC” way to refer to being judgmental as a therapist is countertransference.
And it is very much a form of countertransference. But it’s also okay to tell our consult group, “Hey, I think I might be judging my client…” because that is also accurate.
7 Things To Do If You’re Judging Your Clients
So, what should we do if we find that we’re being judgmental towards our client?
*Disclaimer: these are my personal thoughts and opinions. Do with them what you will.*
1) Don’t Panic
You are a human being. Humans have emotional reactions, including judgment.
Feeling judgment doesn’t inherently mean you did something wrong. The fact that you’re reacting to your client means you’ve invested in them enough emotionally that you care about their choices and wellbeing.
2) Be Curious
I think there can be an unspoken understanding that we’re not supposed to have judgments towards our clients. Ever.
As a result, when we do have a judgment towards a client, we either peg it on our clients or we’re hard on ourselves for even going there.
Instead, I propose we accept that judgment is part of our humanity and reflect on it curiously.
Try saying: “Huh, I think I’ve really been judging my client. I wonder what that’s about?”
3) Self Disclose (When Appropriate)
This is particularly relevant if your judgment is because you feel that your client is treating you poorly. For example, if a client becomes aggressive or lashes out towards you in some way, it would be appropriate to feel hurt, angry, or scared.
In such cases, it can be useful to say something like, “Whoah, when you got up from your chair and yelled at me it made me feel incredibly unsafe. Can we talk about how we address these moments so I can be able to support you well?”
4) Seek Consultation
If you’re having any kind of emotional reaction towards a client – whether positive or negative -it can be really beneficial to begin by naming it outright.
In one of my prior group supervision contexts, we had a practice to always ask the therapist bringing up a case to share their emotional reactions towards their client before diving into clinical feedback. The other participants would also share how they were feeling emotionally after hearing the case presentation. I always found it incredibly helpful to hear the diversity of reactions. When one person felt aggravated, another might react with compassion.
I realized that one thing that’s been consistent across all consult and supervision groups that I’ve felt safe in is that both myself and others in the group have been able to acknowledge their judgment out loud.
For example, you might say: “This is really uncomfortable to bring up, but I could use your help. There’s a client that I’ve been having really strong emotional reactions towards and I feel like I’m judging them. I think it would be a good idea to talk through it and see why these emotions are coming up for me. I don’t want it to influence the work that we’re doing together.”
5) Practice Self-Compassion
If the goal is to rid yourself of judgment ASAP, you might miss a real opportunity. Both for your client and for yourself.
Personally, I’ve noticed that most of my strongest emotional judgments towards clients happen in one of three contexts:
- they remind me of a narcissistic family member who harmed me in my past,
- they exhibit misogynistic behavior that I’ve been harmed by in my past, or
- they remind me of parts of myself that I don’t like.
Not only is it helpful to identify the source of emotions for each judgmental situation, it’s also been helpful to identify my pattern of judgments. So now when the judgment happens “live” in session, I can have a much quicker internal assessment.
If we can lead with compassion towards ourselves, eventually, it does trickle down to compassion for our clients as well. But it takes an openness to seeing that judgment as a healthy part of our human process in order to get there.
6) Personal Therapy (when appropriate)
I’m not saying you need to reach out to your own therapist every time you feel a hint of judgment towards your client. But, if after continued consultation you’re still noticing a pattern of judgment arising that’s interfering with your work, it’s a great time to consider seeking your own personal therapy.
7) Refer Out (when appropriate)
If there’s a pattern of judgment: refer out as needed.
Sometimes, despite all our efforts, consult groups, and personal therapy, we still feel judgment towards some clients. And that is okay!
My own pattern of judgment tends to pop up towards folks who remind me of a narcissistic family member or who display misogynistic characteristics. I’ve come to accept that I need to refer out clients who display these characteristics, both for my sake and for theirs.
But, it also means I can access empathy for clients who have survived harm from folks who display similar traits.
It’s normal to judge our clients
My main hope in writing this article is to normalize the experience of judging your therapy clients. We all do it, myself included, because we’re human. If we can normalize this truth about ourselves then I hope that we can find more safe spaces to talk about it, and address it safely.
I invite anyone who is a supervisor, a consult group facilitator/participant, or employer to reflect on whether there is enough safety to talk about judgment in your group. I would encourage you to think about ways that you can facilitate safety to talk about judging our therapy clients.
Need A Consult Group?
I mentioned consultation groups several times in this article. They are so important in being a support system for you as a therapist, especially when you need to process things like experiencing judgment towards your clients.
If you need help finding a peer consultation group, check out this video.
I also have an article all about finding therapist colleagues that you get along with that you might find helpful.
And until next time, from one therapist to another: I wish you well!
-Marie
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